One year down... ;)

As of 2/16/2011 I have been an RN for one full year! What a wild ride it has been (and continues to be). In spite of all the stress and emotional turmoil I can now say unequivocally that I love being a nurse. I still get that astonished "I really get to do this?! :)" feeling every time I work, as well as the "you're for ME? I get to take care of you? YAY!" feeling pretty regularly as well. I'm not scared of calling Drs. or even suggesting meds or treatments to them, and my confidence level continues to grow. There's no way I would have been able to deal with all the emotional ups and downs without the love and support I have gotten from family and friends so thank you to all of you who have endured my tears and ranting and for sharing in my joy when things have gone wonderfully well. ♥

Driving Away on Christmas Day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ulr7MPyhPaY&feature=related

I’ve never had to work on Christmas Day before, especially as a mother. My children are 7 and 9 and I am acutely aware that this could be the last Christmas where they both believe in Santa. I can’t believe how quickly the years have gone by already, and being the sentimental person I am; well, this was an exceptionally difficult holiday season for me.

Christmas morning I got up at 0430, showered, got dressed, ate breakfast and at 0530 woke up the kids and watched them open their presents. I was incredibly glad I got to do that with them, at least. (even though I would have traded that for being able to spend the whole day with them) I got into my car and each mile I drove away from my kids tightened the knot in my throat and stomach further and further. By the time I got onto Route 22, I was uncontrollably sobbing. I thought I had accepted that I wasn’t going to spend Christmas with my family, I really had, but the cold, hard reality of speeding down an empty highway on the one day of the year I used to enjoy the most was too much to bear. Then I started thinking about all the soldiers overseas right now who never even got Christmas morning with their families or have even seen them in months and months, so that made it all a little easier for me- but then, of course, I started to feel really badly for them.

I got in to work, fought back a few more tears as I swiped my badge, clocked in and immediately heard the news no nurse EVER likes to hear:

THE COMPUTER SYSTEM IS DOWN.

Knowing what I know about our IT department, I knew we would not be regaining computers anytime soon. 1. they are not fast to begin with 2. they are never around on regular weekends, let alone holiday weekends, and 3. the hospital would have to pay them some ridiculous triple extra super duper overtime for working on Christmas so how much do you want to bet the administrators said, “aw fuck it, we have a back up protocol, no big rush fixing that”. One of the Docs was fit to be tied when she heard the comps were down. She went off about how she has privileges at another local hospital and this would NEVER happen there (the comps were already down for 10 hours by the time I got there Christmas morning) and that it was inexcusable to not have computers for that amount of time. While I do agree that computers should never be down for that long of a time, I feel compelled to defend my workplace at this point by saying my hospital is the best place I have ever worked from retail to the corporate world, to school districts.. there is a culture at my hospital that is really hard to describe. I knew after my first day as a nurses’ aide 4 years ago that I was “home”. We send and receive cute and funny notes to different departments in the pneumatic tubes system on occasion. I’ve gone out to my car to find someone cleaned it off for me after it snowed during a shift, I’ve eaten lunch in the security office after being attacked by a drunk in the emergency dept. (evidently, once you’ve been mauled by an inebriated person, you become “one of the security guys” so they gave me some of their pizza lol), I’ve seen best friends of 50 years walk up to a hospital room only to discover their friend passed away just minutes before.. and because of the warm culture of the hospital and knowing that warmth is encouraged, it’s nothing for me to grab a chair for that person and sit with them and assure them the friend passed peacefully and offer a consoling ear and a kind smile. I guess the best explanation I have for what I see in most of the people and patients at work is that I see God in a lot of places. Many people hate hospitals. Maybe they equate them with loss and death, or possibly just fear of bad news. I see my hospital as God’s Workshop.. so I guess if you are going to be anywhere on Christmas day, if you can’t be with family you may as well hang out with the Big Guy in his work room.

“I believe that man will not merely endure. He will prevail. He is immortal, not because he alone among creatures has an inexhaustible voice, but because he has a soul, a spirit capable of compassion and sacrifice and endurance.”
William Faulkner

Speaking of lightbulbs..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ysfQjKKi70&feature=player_embedded



Compact fluorescent bulbs are NOT better for the environment:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=7431198

Lightbulb Moments

Was going though my work binder and found some old papers I was holding onto for reference. As I looked them over I kept on thinking.."I know that.. don't need this..nope, don't need that, saw that already." It was pretty cool, kind of a light bulb moment for me that helped me realize how far I came. Sometimes I feel like I'm sort of on autopilot but what I never realized is that I am actually learning a lot every time I work.

Did I ever mention I almost joined a roller derby league? The thought of rolling around on roller skates and knocking people on their ass sounded so incredibly fun. Then I realized that my tiny little frame and giraffe legs and "little miss nicey nice" face would likely get me fucking clobbered. That and I started modeling right around when I was going to join and I wasn't sure how I was going to justify a black eye or broken nose to my agency... wasn't really worried about the pain/getting hurt angle though. I'll let you in on a little secret (that you, dear readers, may or may not already know) Gut wrenching, indescribable want to tear your skin off to get rid of the nerve endings type of pain.. that kind of pain comes with a serious high. The high of power that you overcame it and you were able to beat it. I learned about that after I had my son without any meds. I decided to become a nurse the day I had him.. not really because I felt at home in the hospital environment (though I did); but because once you make it through that intense of an experience, it changes you. Yes, I became a mother for the second time that day but I also came to realize I can do anything. People say that all the time, but, frankly, it's not always true. The world is full of posers and pussies, people who talk about doing this and that and that's all they are is talk. Push 8 lbs of baby out of your vagina, work and go to school full time while breastfeeding 2 kids, perform CPR on near lifeless bodies and try talking someone out of wanting to die when in all honesty, you can't really blame them for wanting to die since everyone they ever loved is already dead and they are basically paralyzed from the waist down. If you haven't done that, don't you DARE talk down to me.

The Night Train

Monday nights I work 3p to 3a. It's intense and most of my emotional rollercoaster events happen on that shift. While I'm emotionally preparing myself for the three days ahead, I crank up the music (the heavier the better) and clean the house (not sure why, it only gets trashed while I'm at work). As a result? I get a little bitter about all the responsibility that falls on me at home and at work. Even miss nicey nice nurse can hit her breaking point and when I do, I want nothing more than to go to a random bar and break a fucking chair over someone's head and drink whiskey straight from the bottle. Wow, imagine the shocked look on a cardiologist's face if they ever saw me actually do THAT in a bar?? lol

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtFk2WJRhqw

Dear Patient,

I'm your advocate, your voice to the Doctors. I look up your labs, check them against your orders, I prime your IV tubing, I infuse vital medications. (usually it's even on time when pharmacy gets their asses into gear and profiles your shit before it comes up late on my screen). I get you everything from blankets to ice water to changing channels for you when your "clicker" doesn't work right. I clean some of you up when you mess yourself (from many orifices). I calm you down when you're upset. I teach you when you're confused. I feed some of you pureed foods spoonful by painstaking spoonful because I know if I don't feed it to you, you won't eat and I want to see you get better.

Just know while some of you complain that you are SO HUNGRY and STARVING because your dinner was delayed 15 minutes and it's 4:45p.m., I haven't eaten since 5am that morning (and you had breakfast and lunch in that time period). While your left leg is a little stiff from the rain outside I have two swollen, black and blue knees and wrists from tripping over our dog's gate.. twice. You might think I'm invincible, but I'm not. Sometimes I wish nothing more than to break my leg and be EXACTLY where you are and just be able to stay perfectly still. I could totally kick ass at that.

Beneath the stains of time, The feelings disappear.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o22eIJDtKho

"I don't want to be paralyzed..I don't want to be paralyzed..I don't want to be paralyzed..I don't want to be paralyzed" "I'm in such pain, Renée, please help me, I don't want to be this way, please help me. Why can't anyone help me.."