NURSE!! NURSE!!!

Meet *Peter.  Peter is a pain in the ASS.
*Not the patient's real name


Peter came to my hospital from a nursing home for respiratory distress.  Turns out he has an empyema (a bunch of pus outside the lung).. oh and said pus is infected with MRSA. He has a chest tube in to drain it.
Peter is VERY thin.. emaciated, really. And tiny. And paralyzed on the left side. But his voice is very big. So big, in fact, that any given passerby will be sure to hear "nurse.. NURSE...NURSE!!" every 5 to 15 minutes or so.


This is not an exaggeration.  He prefers yelling to using the call bell. And he's forgetful.. Meaning he keeps calling because he keeps forgetting we were in there.


NURSE!! NURSE!!


A pulmonary Dr. went into the room and Peter kept screaming NURSE!! NURSE! Aide went in and said "Do you need something, Peter?"  The pulmonary doc immediately said "Peter ALWAYS needs something"


As the Dr. emerged from the room I gravely said, "You are now an honorary nurse."


NURSE!! NURSE!!
"Move my bed! Move my legs! Turn on my heating pad! Put my head up! Put my head down!"


Then one day, Peter started telling me a story amidst him barking orders at me "I got into a fight on Broad street in Philly years ago.  Guy tried to steal my wallet. I knocked him right out!"


Me: "Philly, Peter?  You like Cheese steaks?"


Peter: "What?"


Me: "Cheese steaks.  Philly is known for them.  Do you like them?"




Peter:  "What are you, POLISH?"


*mental sigh* back to repositioning you and eliminating the small talk it, is.


While at the Accudose med machine, spoke to a Hispanic nurse who had him a few days prior.  She asked him if he liked his oatmeal. He responded, "What the hell do you know about oatmeal? All you eat is enchiladas and tortillas ya damn Mexican!" She just laughed.  Truly, what else can you do?


I learned a valuable lesson from Peter. I learned that when life hands you MRSA, a chest tube, and  hemiplegia, just say whatever the hell you want.  Because people will eventually start to kind of like you.  Kind of..

NURSE!!