Destined for Greatness

I am going to be the BEST confused, restrained old lady patient EVER.  None of my old people have a fucking clue what year it is, where they are or what they are doing in a hospital bed.  They DO; however, remember what they made for dinner the day JFK was assassinated.  That should really be a routine neuro exam question along with asking patients for name, age, and date of birth because EVERYONE who was alive at the time always knows where they were when Kennedy was assassinated.(although, once I got a look of utter shock and the response "OH MY GOD, KENNEDY WAS ASSASSINATED??")  It's really quite fascinating how the brain consistently messes with people's perceptions of reality; and what sticks with people well into old age.

You know what I hate?  Redirecting people who are REALLY confused. I'm always worried I am going to totally freak them out.  For example; imagine if you thought it was 1955 and you are 10 years old and lived with your parents. (that's a whole other ball of wax, those poor little old people who cry for their parents who've been dead for 20+ years, but I digress).  Now imagine if someone told you that it's not 1955, it's 2011 and you just had a stroke and you can't move your right side...
WTF? I can't imagine how confusing and scary that must be for a person. I never had a class specifically addressing confused or pts with dementia, but I think the general consensus is to reorient and tell them reality.  To that I say BULLSHIT. They will forget what you told them in all likelihood in 5 minutes anyway, why traumatize them for 5 minutes? Over and over and over again.  What the hell good does THAT do? (aside from making them require megadoses of antidepressants) I tell them where they are and that they are safe, etc., etc.  but I never go into great detail, unless they ask.

Anyway, I have decided that due to my extensive experience with the aged and confused population, their overall behavior and unpredictable natures have prepared me for the title of being the ULTIMATE old, confused lady.  I figure, by the time I am in my 90s, shit that I see now will be ingrained in my long term memory well enough that I will be able to remember some pretty fuckin awesome tricks.  Perhaps I will conduct classes on the sly in the nursing home.  Classes like how to:

1. Kiss the hand of the nurse and tell her how much you love her then seconds later begin kissing the call bell and telling IT how much you love IT.
2. Throw your clothes off then pretend you have "no idea what happened.  I woke up and my clothes were all over the floor, can you help me get dressed?"
3. Go for an MRI and cause the nurse to get a phone call from the MRI tech informing her that you (the patient) removed an ear plug and began chewing it like a wad of gum.(needless to say, that MRI will be over before it even begins)
4. How to slide out of restraints of any kind then complain about how "The service in this hotel is TERRIBLE. I keep getting all tied up and no one at all comes to help me get loose."
4.part b. Asking every staff member you come into contact with for scissors.
5. Repeatedly asking "when the hell is this ship getting to port? I'm sick of the ocean."
6. Tell the nursing staff about the ghost that keeps on opening up your closet door and hovering over you. (okay, that one might scare me a little... I don't think there is a patient room in a hospital that someone didn't die in, so that could actually be true)

So you see, I am destined for greatness.  I am learning from the masters exactly how to be the most. awesome. patient. ever. Just you wait and see.