Driving Away on Christmas Day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ulr7MPyhPaY&feature=related

I’ve never had to work on Christmas Day before, especially as a mother. My children are 7 and 9 and I am acutely aware that this could be the last Christmas where they both believe in Santa. I can’t believe how quickly the years have gone by already, and being the sentimental person I am; well, this was an exceptionally difficult holiday season for me.

Christmas morning I got up at 0430, showered, got dressed, ate breakfast and at 0530 woke up the kids and watched them open their presents. I was incredibly glad I got to do that with them, at least. (even though I would have traded that for being able to spend the whole day with them) I got into my car and each mile I drove away from my kids tightened the knot in my throat and stomach further and further. By the time I got onto Route 22, I was uncontrollably sobbing. I thought I had accepted that I wasn’t going to spend Christmas with my family, I really had, but the cold, hard reality of speeding down an empty highway on the one day of the year I used to enjoy the most was too much to bear. Then I started thinking about all the soldiers overseas right now who never even got Christmas morning with their families or have even seen them in months and months, so that made it all a little easier for me- but then, of course, I started to feel really badly for them.

I got in to work, fought back a few more tears as I swiped my badge, clocked in and immediately heard the news no nurse EVER likes to hear:

THE COMPUTER SYSTEM IS DOWN.

Knowing what I know about our IT department, I knew we would not be regaining computers anytime soon. 1. they are not fast to begin with 2. they are never around on regular weekends, let alone holiday weekends, and 3. the hospital would have to pay them some ridiculous triple extra super duper overtime for working on Christmas so how much do you want to bet the administrators said, “aw fuck it, we have a back up protocol, no big rush fixing that”. One of the Docs was fit to be tied when she heard the comps were down. She went off about how she has privileges at another local hospital and this would NEVER happen there (the comps were already down for 10 hours by the time I got there Christmas morning) and that it was inexcusable to not have computers for that amount of time. While I do agree that computers should never be down for that long of a time, I feel compelled to defend my workplace at this point by saying my hospital is the best place I have ever worked from retail to the corporate world, to school districts.. there is a culture at my hospital that is really hard to describe. I knew after my first day as a nurses’ aide 4 years ago that I was “home”. We send and receive cute and funny notes to different departments in the pneumatic tubes system on occasion. I’ve gone out to my car to find someone cleaned it off for me after it snowed during a shift, I’ve eaten lunch in the security office after being attacked by a drunk in the emergency dept. (evidently, once you’ve been mauled by an inebriated person, you become “one of the security guys” so they gave me some of their pizza lol), I’ve seen best friends of 50 years walk up to a hospital room only to discover their friend passed away just minutes before.. and because of the warm culture of the hospital and knowing that warmth is encouraged, it’s nothing for me to grab a chair for that person and sit with them and assure them the friend passed peacefully and offer a consoling ear and a kind smile. I guess the best explanation I have for what I see in most of the people and patients at work is that I see God in a lot of places. Many people hate hospitals. Maybe they equate them with loss and death, or possibly just fear of bad news. I see my hospital as God’s Workshop.. so I guess if you are going to be anywhere on Christmas day, if you can’t be with family you may as well hang out with the Big Guy in his work room.

“I believe that man will not merely endure. He will prevail. He is immortal, not because he alone among creatures has an inexhaustible voice, but because he has a soul, a spirit capable of compassion and sacrifice and endurance.”
William Faulkner

Speaking of lightbulbs..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ysfQjKKi70&feature=player_embedded



Compact fluorescent bulbs are NOT better for the environment:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=7431198

Lightbulb Moments

Was going though my work binder and found some old papers I was holding onto for reference. As I looked them over I kept on thinking.."I know that.. don't need this..nope, don't need that, saw that already." It was pretty cool, kind of a light bulb moment for me that helped me realize how far I came. Sometimes I feel like I'm sort of on autopilot but what I never realized is that I am actually learning a lot every time I work.

Did I ever mention I almost joined a roller derby league? The thought of rolling around on roller skates and knocking people on their ass sounded so incredibly fun. Then I realized that my tiny little frame and giraffe legs and "little miss nicey nice" face would likely get me fucking clobbered. That and I started modeling right around when I was going to join and I wasn't sure how I was going to justify a black eye or broken nose to my agency... wasn't really worried about the pain/getting hurt angle though. I'll let you in on a little secret (that you, dear readers, may or may not already know) Gut wrenching, indescribable want to tear your skin off to get rid of the nerve endings type of pain.. that kind of pain comes with a serious high. The high of power that you overcame it and you were able to beat it. I learned about that after I had my son without any meds. I decided to become a nurse the day I had him.. not really because I felt at home in the hospital environment (though I did); but because once you make it through that intense of an experience, it changes you. Yes, I became a mother for the second time that day but I also came to realize I can do anything. People say that all the time, but, frankly, it's not always true. The world is full of posers and pussies, people who talk about doing this and that and that's all they are is talk. Push 8 lbs of baby out of your vagina, work and go to school full time while breastfeeding 2 kids, perform CPR on near lifeless bodies and try talking someone out of wanting to die when in all honesty, you can't really blame them for wanting to die since everyone they ever loved is already dead and they are basically paralyzed from the waist down. If you haven't done that, don't you DARE talk down to me.

The Night Train

Monday nights I work 3p to 3a. It's intense and most of my emotional rollercoaster events happen on that shift. While I'm emotionally preparing myself for the three days ahead, I crank up the music (the heavier the better) and clean the house (not sure why, it only gets trashed while I'm at work). As a result? I get a little bitter about all the responsibility that falls on me at home and at work. Even miss nicey nice nurse can hit her breaking point and when I do, I want nothing more than to go to a random bar and break a fucking chair over someone's head and drink whiskey straight from the bottle. Wow, imagine the shocked look on a cardiologist's face if they ever saw me actually do THAT in a bar?? lol

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtFk2WJRhqw

Dear Patient,

I'm your advocate, your voice to the Doctors. I look up your labs, check them against your orders, I prime your IV tubing, I infuse vital medications. (usually it's even on time when pharmacy gets their asses into gear and profiles your shit before it comes up late on my screen). I get you everything from blankets to ice water to changing channels for you when your "clicker" doesn't work right. I clean some of you up when you mess yourself (from many orifices). I calm you down when you're upset. I teach you when you're confused. I feed some of you pureed foods spoonful by painstaking spoonful because I know if I don't feed it to you, you won't eat and I want to see you get better.

Just know while some of you complain that you are SO HUNGRY and STARVING because your dinner was delayed 15 minutes and it's 4:45p.m., I haven't eaten since 5am that morning (and you had breakfast and lunch in that time period). While your left leg is a little stiff from the rain outside I have two swollen, black and blue knees and wrists from tripping over our dog's gate.. twice. You might think I'm invincible, but I'm not. Sometimes I wish nothing more than to break my leg and be EXACTLY where you are and just be able to stay perfectly still. I could totally kick ass at that.

Beneath the stains of time, The feelings disappear.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o22eIJDtKho

"I don't want to be paralyzed..I don't want to be paralyzed..I don't want to be paralyzed..I don't want to be paralyzed" "I'm in such pain, Renée, please help me, I don't want to be this way, please help me. Why can't anyone help me.."

Down by the seaside siftin sand

Working in the hospital, you meet some great people with fabulous stories. Along with those amazing stories; however, there’s almost always dark stories. A side to people that they would sooner forget about but it continues to haunt them. I think people in their 20s 30s and 40s are much more able to put the blackness on the backburner and let life kind of occupy their minds and fill their daily existence. What most of us younger people generally don’t know is that as the years creep up on you, and all the people you have ever loved disappear one by one, all those choices and mistakes you made throughout your life resurface. The worst part of replaying those mistakes over and over in your mind is that you can never change them. Maybe you didn’t realize at that time you were doing something wrong. Maybe you did realize immediately and you paid for it every day for the rest of your life knowing full well the horror you committed. It’s unreal the things patients will confess to you when they are at their most vulnerable; when the only light in the room is what filters in through from the streetlights and their heads rest trustingly on a pillow and their tired eyes look past you to the time they remember.. be it fondly or with dread. But confess they do.

And among the tales of incredible sadness and desperation, there are always glimmers of joy. Happiness in the here and now.

A perfect example of what I am talking about was a lovely woman named Marianne. I was a nurse’s aide at the time when I met her. She was a beautiful, youthful 78. Vibrant, full of light. Even in a hospital gown, she oozed class and beauty.. her hair was perfect, and had on a full face of makeup. She told me all about her years teaching dance in New York City, and fondly recounted her exciting, glamorous life to me over the course of several days. One busy afternoon, I was ambulating Marianne (she was a post op open heart patient, walking 4x a day after surgery is standard practice for best outcomes). As we were walking past the physician’s area, I saw her eyeing all the young Drs. Marianne asked me if I knew how to waltz. I answered “not really”. She responded “You will know now!” Her hands went up, while holding mine. “Left foot here, right foot there, now back, side..” we waltzed across the hospital floor (and her nurse at the time, Greg, looked white as a sheet LOL). This woman 2 days post surgery was laughing and spinning with me around the floor. The dance ended with her giving me a spin, then we stopped and curtsied and every Dr. and resident in the physician's area STOOD UP and clapped for us. Marianne turned to me and quietly said, “Now THAT, my darling is what sets women like us apart from the rest." And with that, she winked at me. :) She and I walked back to her room and she started telling me about a gentleman she once loved many, many years ago. She said he wrote a song about her that was on the top 40 and she started to sing the lyrics in the sweetest little voice. I vaguely recall it having her name in it and something about the sea, little children loving her. Since I was thinking about her while writing this, I googled what I could remember and.. well I’ll be damned, I found it! Here it is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1cuvB2XrP_M

She also told me some of her darker secrets, but I can’t share them on here since I’ve sort of identified her with that song, and I would never want to betray her confidence. I will say that she alluded to something she did in her 20s that she said she regrets every day of her life and she’s sure she will burn in hell for it and she looks forward to the day she can finally pay for what she did when she finally dies. She didn’t tell me exactly what happened but I was able to read between the lines and figure it out. She was probably one of the most complex and fascinating people I have ever met and my heart breaks for her that deep down inside, she identifies who she is as a person by one moment where she did something unspeakable. I also understand now why God is so forgiving when I think about her. If only she could forgive herself.

Another woman who stands out in my mind that I met was yet another well put together 88 year old. (you would NEVER guess her age based on the spring in her step and the wit of her words or her perfectly up to date style). She wanted to get discharged ASAP, there was a big sale at Macys and her boyfriend was on his way. LOL! I was doing her paperwork and her boyfriend showed up and kept on pestering me to get the paperwork done. So I finally get in there and she tells me she likes my lipstick. So I write down the name and brand on her med list. Her boyfriend (who looked like he was in his 60s *wolf whistle*! ;) ) Is getting more and more impatient. Then we started talked about Pandora bracelets and charms and I told her I got a charm for each of my kids on my bracelet and for my 10^th anniversary. Then she was like wow! How old were you when you got married? You’re 36, now?! Nooo” and then I told her I couldn’t believe how old she was when I saw her birth date and she put up her hand and said “Stop! He has no idea how old I am!” I said, “Don’t worry sweetheart, I wouldn’t dream of giving that away, you spry little fox, you..” and finally the boyfriend blurts out “OH MY GOD CAN YOU TWO PLEASE KNOCK IT OFF SO WE CAN JUST GO?!” LOL!!!! And not long after that we were all done with the paperwork and my little 88 year old lady gave me a big hug in her cute Capri pants and holding her mylar balloons and flowers then practically skipped away to the elevator with a guy 20 years hear junior on her arm.

Thanks to those women, and women (and even men) like them, I truly understand that age really is just a number. I might give them medical treatments and advice but the beauty is what they give back to me will carry me through a lifetime and reverberate through to every other patient I come into contact with. Being a nurse rules sometimes. :)